Starting over.

My body aches
my heart is broke
some day's seems as if
my life is an ongoing joke.

I don't know where im going
I sure as hell don't know where Im at
But I must go inside myself
and bring me back.

I've bottled myself up for so long
scared to face the unknown
afraid to open my eyes
to what I have been shown.

What have I done?
How stupid I have been
why won't this ache
ever end?

I am sorry, deeply sorry
both of us caved every bit
but, my dear, I know our love is so strong
we will get through it.

We broke each others hearts
let each other down
what must happen now
is to continue our path, only upward bound.

Send our love for one another
higher than its ever been before
into the clouds
where it can soar.

I love you my dear
with all my heart
I don't and won't
let anything, anymore drive us apart.

-Mp 11/14/2008

Things I would like to share...

To help east my mind, to ease the pain, I need to write to keep me sain.


- she struggles each and everyday
to redeem herself from the past
proving to family and loved ones
that this change will last.

-she dreads the time of turmoil
fearing she won't be strong
praying that when it happens
she won't be wrong.

-she reaches deep inside herself
to a place she needs to find
and grasp a shred of strength
to nuture her mind.

-some of us watch her battle
some have been in her shoes
we know this war is
something she must not lose.

-------------------------------------------------------

I lost myself

-someplace along the line
someplace so lost in time

I judged my footing wrong
and the rest of me just followed along

so I scrambled up to find me
and lost myself in a turbulent sea

but all is not lost, because I can see the sky
and I'll learn to swim, till I learn to fly.


----------------------------------------------

unknown

I always try to hide
the best of me
I don't put myself out there
for the world to see
Things that happen
I suppress
just between
I and me.
-Maja

Paint Brush

I keep my paint brush with me
Wherever I may go,
In case I need to cover up
So the real me doesn't show.
I'm so afraid to show you me,
Afraid of what you'll do - that
You might laugh or say mean things.
I'm afraid I might lose you.

I'd like to remove all my paint coats
To show you the real, true me,
But I want you to try and understand,
I need you to accept what you see.
So if you'll be patient and
close your eyes,
I'll strip off all my coats real slow.
Please understand how much it hurts
To let the real me show.

Now my coats are all stripped off.
I feel naked, bare and cold,
And if you still love me with
all that you see,
You are my friend, pure as gold.
I need to save my paint brush,
though, And hold it in my hand,
I want to keep it handy
In case someone doesn't understand.
So please protect me, my dear friend
And thanks for loving me true,
But please let me keep
my paint brush with me
Until I love me, too.

Written by ©Bettie B. Youngs

Something

by Raquel

And so it came to be
this isolation that I am
I can only look to me
to find the way it all began -
this confusion, constant
hunger for something more than this
I strive to find this being
that I envision, yet seem to miss.
Could it be that I am empty-
or maybe a little lost?
Could it be that I am lonely,
or seek happiness at any cost?
This never-ending Something
that I am living deep inside,
depicts the illusion of myself
and all I have to hide.


_____________________________________________________________________

I want to put myself out there
for the whole world to see
so that I may show the truthful me
I part of me
that so long to be
whole again
I have to hide
I have to suppress
I have to stay in a
constant state of silent unrest
I cannot stay this way
much longer
There comes a point
when I just say
Take all that I have
all that I am
I am done hiding
who I want to be
I am done with
those who all those
who suck the life out of me
I know there's more to this existence
beyond what the eye can see.

chatter

Who am I. Why am I here? What is my purpose?

we all have to ask ourselves at least one of these questions at one point in our life or another. So, do you know the answer? If you think you don't, your wrong. Think about it. why are you here? Who are you, and what is your purpose?

Realization and a true awakening

I have come to realize a few things that People and things come into my life for a reason. As I sit and ponder these astonishing things, I see that it is me who attracts these things to me; from my neighbor, to the establishment where I worked, down to my family. These things have taught me a great deal, on how to deal with certain situations and issue that have arisen in the past couple months. It has taken me a great deal of time to sort out issues that I have with myself. However, I still have a great deal of sorting to do. My "to-do" list is never done.

The Awakening
Sonny Carroll

There comes a time in your life when you finally get it... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out- ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world from a new prospective.

This is your AWAKENING!

You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something, or someone, to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there aren’t always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you.
Then a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.



So you begin making your way through the “reality of today” rather than holding out for the “promise of tomorrow.” You realize that much of who you are, and the way you navigate through life is, in great part, a result of all the social conditioning you’ve received over the course of a lifetime. And you begin to sift through all the nonsense you were taught about:

how you should look and how much you should weigh
what you should wear and where you should shop
where you should live or what type of car your should drive
who you should sleep with and how you should behave
who you should marry and why you should stay
the importance of having children or what you owe your family

Slowly you begin to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really believe in. And you begin to discard the doctrines you have outgrown, or should never have practiced to begin with.

Acceptance:

You accept the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that’s OK... they are entitled to their own views and opinions. And, you come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a “perfect 10” Or a perfect human being for that matter. So you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head or agonizing over how you compare.

And you take a long look at yourself in the mirror and you make a promise to give yourself the same unconditional love and support you give so freely to others. Then a sense of confidence is born of self-approval.

And, you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” hungry for your next fix, a new dress, another pair of shoes or looks of approval and admiration from family, friends or even strangers who pass by. Then you discover that “it is truly in giving that we receive [1] and that the joy and abundance you seek grows out of the giving. And you recognize the importance of “creating” & “contributing” rather than “obtaining” & “accumulating.”

Gratitude:

And you give thanks for the simple things you’ve been blessed with; things that millions of people upon the face of the earth can only dream about a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed and the freedom to pursue your own dreams.

Self-Regard:

You begin to love and to care for yourself. You stop engaging in self-destructive behaviors including participating in dysfunctional relationships. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and exercising. And because you’ve learned that fatigue drains the spirit and creates doubt and fear, you give yourself permission to rest. And just as food is fuel for the body, laughter is fuel for the spirit and so you make it a point to create time for play.

Love & Relationships:

Then you learn about love and relationships, how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. And you allow only the hands of a lover who truly loves and respects you to glorify you with his touch. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say, intentionally or unintentionally and that not everyone will always come through and interestingly enough, it’s not always about you.

So, you stop lashing out and pointing fingers or looking to place blame for the things that were done to you or weren’t done for you. And you learn to keep your Ego in check and to acknowledge and redirect the destructive emotions it spawns; anger, jealousy and resentment.

You learn how to say I was wrong and to forgive people for their own human frailties.
You learn to build bridges instead of walls and about the healing power of love as it is expressed through a kind word, a warm smile or a friendly gesture.

And, at the same time, you eliminate any relationships that are hurtful or fail to uplift and edify you. You stop working so hard at smoothing things over and setting your needs aside. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right to want or expect certain things. And you learn the importance of communicating your needs with confidence and grace.

You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that eventually martyrs are burned at the stake.

Then you learn to distinguish between guilt, and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that you don’t know all the answers, it’s not your job to save the world and that sometimes you just need to Let Go.

Moreover, you learn to look at people as they really are and not as you would want them to be, and you are careful not to project your neediness or insecurities onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be, more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and relationships and that that not everyone can always love you the way you would want them to. So you stop appraising your worth by the measure of love you are given.

And suddenly you realize that it’s wrong to demand that someone live their life or sacrifice their dreams just to serve your needs, ease your insecurities, or meet “your” standards and expectations.

You learn that the only love worth giving and receiving is the love that is given freely without conditions or limitations. And you learn what it means to love. So you stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that “alone” does not mean “lonely” and you begin to discover the joy of spending time “with yourself” and “on yourself.”

Self-Love:

Then you discover the greatest and most fulfilling love you will ever know.
Self-Love. And so, it comes to pass that through understanding your heart heals; and now all new things are possible.

Changing Your Life For The Better:

Moving along, you begin to avoid Toxic People and conversations. And you stop wasting time and energy rehashing your situation with family and friends. You learn that talk doesn’t change things and that unrequited wishes can only serve to keep you trapped in the past. So, you stop lamenting over what could or should have been and you make a decision to leave the past behind. Then you begin to invest your time and energy to affect positive change. You take a personal inventory of all your strengths and weaknesses and the areas you need to improve in order to move ahead. You set your goals and map out a plan of action to see things through.

You learn that life isn’t always fair and you don’t always get what you think you deserve and you stop personalizing every loss or disappointment. You learn to accept that sometimes bad things happen to good people and that these things are not an act of God... but merely a random act of fate.

And you stop looking for guarantees because you’ve learned that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected and that whatever happens, you’ll learn to deal with it. And you learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time FEAR itself. So you learn to step right into and through your fears because to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. You learn that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophesy and you learn to go after what you want and not to squander your life living under a cloud of indecision or feelings of impending doom.

Money: The Gateway To Independence & To Self-Determination:

Then, YOU LEARN ABOUT MONEY... the personal power and independence it brings and the options it creates. And you recognize the necessity to create your own personal wealth. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. Then a sense of power is born of self-reliance.

Honor & Integrity:

And you live with honor and integrity because you know that these principles are not the outdated ideals of a by-gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build your life. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful opportunity and exciting possibility. Then you hang a wind chime outside your window to remind yourself what beauty there is in Simplicity.

Embracing the Power of Faith:

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

A word about the Power of Prayer: In some of my darkest, most painful and frightening hours, I have prayed not for the answers to my prayers or for material things but for my “God” to help me find the strength, confidence and courage to persevere; to face each day and to do what I must do.

Remember this: “You are an expression of the almighty. The spirit of God resides within you and moves through you. Open your heart, speak to that spirit and it will heal and empower you.” My “God” has never failed me.


***After Realizing that I had forgotten to credit the wonderful author of this beautiful poem, I apologize for my forgetful moment. Author Sonny Carroll couldn't have put it better in this great piece of work.

To view More pieces like this and inspire yourself for the better visit:

http://www.sapphyr.net/ *** Thanks for a reminder Sonny -

Realization of love

The love that she has for him had almost faded from view. By her own hand, it was nearly destroyed. All that she built up, all that she fought for, had almost perished that unhealthy day. If she had only realized, how it hurt him so, she would never have let it go. she took a vow, to uphold her end, but it nearly all came crashing down in the blink of an eye.
From that day forward, she took another vow. to change her ways, to bring about a new person. One that could stand up, and not crumble to the floor. Little by little, she built up what she had for so long fought for. Now she lives in happiness and harmony.
They have grown from that day on. Deeper in love. They have grown stronger together. For it was her, who let him down, time after time.
In the beginning, she was weak. In search of her rock. She didn't know what she wanted, she was too young to truly know. The life she thought she wanted was far beyond,what she thought she really wanted. But, now she knows, this is the life she dreamt up. In time, she grew up. She realize the true meaning of love, happiness, and unity.
She thinks back on the day that it all happened, and see that her old ways was leading her down a beaten path. She thought, that she needed someone else to lead her way. But she saw that she was wrong. She needed to clear a path for herself. But herself alone, could not always make it through. she realized that another person was needed to help her along in times that she felt she could not go on, that it was too hard, to difficult. He came and said, " Come, my dear, Take my hand and I will show you the way. I will be there when the time get tough, to pick you up and carry you though. cause as long as were here together, nothing can block the path. All I ask in return, is that you do the same. Take my hand and help me though the brush, Clear my way, so that I may see, clearly where we need to be."

Take my hand - come walk with me
along life's winding way.
Take my hand- come stand with me
Together we will say:

It's you that I have chosen;
It's you with whom I'll stay.
It you with whom I'll share my life,
I want no other way.

I want you always by my side
Through laughter and through tears.
The good - the bad- we'll share it all
Through the coming years.

Because I want this union
To continue to be blessed,
I pray we both care enough
To always give our best.

I know that if we do our best,
Then when our journey ends,
We'll find that we've come through it all
Still lovers.....ever friends.
Author- Unknown


I love you my dear, forever on end.
In the times I've hurt you,
Please allow me to make amends.

For it was me who weak,
me who wondered from the path,
it was me who needed to find
my way back.

Alone, I thought
But in time I saw you were always
there waiting for me
to ask for you hand
you help me through
help me clear the path.

Together, we will achieve
together we will believe
together we will walk the path
and always wait for the other
no matter how long it takes.

As time passes, we will grow
we will be the wind behind the other
to gently push us on, but never blow us down.

I love you my dear, I will never part
please allow me to show you this
from deep within my heart.
-Page

From the Heart.. deep within

As the days come and go and the years pass by, she soon comes to wonder just how much family will really stay near. Year by year,she could only do so much to let her voice be heard. She tried so hard to bring love, peace, kindness and compassion to the chaos and hatred she saw before her, only to be met with the very thing in which she single handedly tried to stop. After a while it took its toll, and left her to wonder, was it really worth it.
She still cannot make them see her true intentions.
The voice from within, that was silenced.
For it was them who called her the bad one in the time of chaos.For it was her only intention to bring about love and peace, kindness and compassion. They did not understand, how it it hurt her, and so it went, after a while she eventually faded into the background, left alone, hurting by her own.
Once named the baby sister, upheld, protected, loved. Nevermore. She faded away, never truly known by those she once called her protectors, her brothers.

But, there day will come, when they call upon her, and their voices fall on deaf ears.
For she had tried to be heard, to catch their ears, to let them know she was still there. But some how, her tiny voice was lost in the wind that traveled miles to reach them. But, the day will come when they remember, that there once was a little girl, waiting for their hand to take hers, and lead her down the path, teach her, protect her, love and hug her. For all she really needed was to hear a voice call back, telling her she had not been forgotten, reassuring her that they were there, and that she would never fade into the background, and yet, it never came.

It is my own inner thoughts that is keeping me from what I have dreamt of. It is only that in which I hold dear that keeps me from achieving that in which I seek. If only I were to change that in which I think, I will achieve. Changing ones thoughts is only the start of the path in which you ultimately seek. Until you change the thoughts that you hold in your mind, will you start to see the life that in which you truly want, unfold before your eyes.

Friends come and go, and the ones you hold dear will stay with you for ever. You can talk to a person, and try to stear them down one path, a good path in which they them self will succeed, will you truly be able to feel happy for them.

As you go through life wondering what it has in store for you, You believe that you may never achieve the dreams in which you have dreamt of for so long, not realizing that it is you in which is holding back those very thing you have wished for. Until you realize that it is your own thoughts, that is doing the very thing in which you think you may never be able to achieve, your dreams will always stay just that. A dream. Until you realize the full potential of your thoughts, you will stay on the the path in which you have directed yourself down. An unachievable dream.

Until you change your thoughts to that of which you know you can achieve, you will see that the universe,you may call it GOD, whatever, its all the same thing. You will see that it will provide for you no matter what. When it doesn't, it is you that is holding you back, from that in which you believe you cannot achieve.

Love, kindness, and compassion will show you the way, through thick and then. not matter what you feel you can acheive. Stay in control of your thought and believe what you know you have always been able to do. Never give up now matter how hard it gets. if you believe you can do it then it can be done. but the moment you give up, then all hope is lost. once you realize your full potential then, you will see that with just your thought alone, you can achieve anything. just keep thinking that it is your thoughts alone that can achieve anything that you want.

Teachings

Sometimes I wonder what is being taught to me through my family.....

well, let's see......

family is always there for you through everything that you can imagine. No matter what it may be.
Right and wrong. Though, sometimes, they may lead you down a path that may seem wrong, you think to yourself, what is it that the universe is trying to teach me today.
Well, thinking logically, you may or may not get it. However, you need to go deep within yourself to find the true answer. Is it trying to teach me that blood is thicker than water or just the opposite.

One always thinks that fmaily just doesnt understand your perspective, but really they don't, but you come to realize, that their subconcious really does, they just dont realize it.

They think their helping you and you think exactly the opposite.

But, in time you realize that they do.

one day, you will see the whole truth, That this world is just a mere projection of everyones thoughts interacting with each other, its up to you to sort it all out and establish what is the truth and what is the imaginary truth interacting with your reality.

Religion is never the truth. No matter who you are.

Metaphiscally speaking, you see that one is living in a projection of everyones thoughts interacting with one another.

The amount of energy you put into a single thought, is the amount you will get out of it, weather it be a negative or positive thought. you must, always keep a positive mind in every situation, doesnt matter if you feelings think otherwise. Positivity is always the best route to follow.

We need to raise our vibrational energy level to a point in this reality that no matter what situaion you are in, it will always, always, work out for the better.

In this life one realizes that all things happen for a reason. A maifestation of that in which what one is thinking. when you come to realize this, everything will fall into place. All that we are, is a result of what we have thought. When you are thinking nothing but negative thoughts, you day will be nothing but negative, nothing will turn out the way you want. When you think nothing but positive, everything will go as planned. Even when you stray from the path, you can redirect you negative thoughts to positive and you will eel better about the day and those around you.

1st post of the new year... late

well, here I am, in the new year. everything is going great! I'm almost done with school, my two classes I am taking this mod are a blast. I have two of a few great teachers.

Im taking urgent care with Dr. Sanchez, who is great. Although his trying to compare how he unravels a bandage to toilet paper. hmm... little odd.. but okay... lol. I've had him as an instructor for the 3rd 4th time now..
My other class, Adv. diagnostic testing, with Mr. Beard. He's great too. I'm just having so much fun.

Home life is going good. Kayla is having fun at school, it helps me out too that she's gone for 6 hours, and Demi takes a nap for 2, give me a chance to get things done in the house.

Now, for the purpose of my blog.

I have come to realize since being here, in existence, that people and things come into my life, for the underlying purpose to teach me things. whether be things that I need to improve on o things that I need to learn.

We have all come into this physical reality as spiritual beings in human form ( I like to call it a shell) to seek experiences in which rich our lives. Our spiritual being within us, seeks and thirst for knowledge. Good or bad. but in order to enrich your life in the best positive way, you must keep a positive energy (we all are nothing but) flow going through us. do what makes you feel good. That does not mean, Repeat, DOES NOT mean, doing harm to other physically,mentally, or emotionally, to bring yourself up. if you do, it will stay with you and your vibrational energy will stay at a low level. When you have a high positive energy flow, you feel good, those around you feel good, you are able to deal with life and all its obstacles, in a good positive way.

Today, I will post some quotes from the Dahli Lama, and interpret though my mind.

Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

- to me this means, if you have to knock everyone else down to get to where you want in to be in life, then its not worth getting, and you do not deserve it. We do not bring others down for our personal benefit, But, we do bring them up with us, for it will surely raise our positive energy and make us feel good to bring others with us on the path.


Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

- everywhere we go in this world there is pain. we have not choice but to see,hear and feel it. However, that does not mean that we have to inflict the suffering upon ourselves. you will never move on, never be happy, and it will end up causing you to dwindle away, and become a bitter being, because you have taken the option to suffer from the pain.

Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.

- This is very true.
I'm the beggar on the corner
You’ve passed me on the street
I wouldn't be out here begging if I had enough to eat
And don't think I don't notice that our eyes never meet


Most of you have heard this song, but how very true is it that you see some on the street begging, and just pass them by as if you don't even notice that their there in need of help, or just a kind word, you think you are higher above because you have money. money is nothing. its not meant to last, it destroys families, loved ones, and makes people selfish and bitter.


life it not about what you have, but what you have to offer others, through love and compassion, not matter who they are, where they are, or where they come from. these two simple words are all you need to carry.

I pray for a more friendly, more caring, and more understanding human family on this planet. To all who dislike suffering, who cherish lasting happiness, this is my heartfelt appeal.


Live in Joy, In love,
Even among those who hate.

Live in joy, In health,
Even among the afflicted.

Live in joy, In peace,
Even among the troubled.

Look within. Be still.
Free from fear and attachment,
Know the sweet joy of living in the way.